We celebrated Nathaniel's birthday a few weeks ago; early because his actual birthday falls on the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Five seems magical and unbelievable. It seems to have happened overnight, and at the same time like he has experienced too much to still be so young. A few hours before his party, Josiah took him to the back yard to take some photos. They too are magical. They show clearly Nathaniel's wonder and joy for living.

Nathaniel turns four tomorrow. Since it falls on Thanksgiving Day this year, we gathered family and friends a couple weekends ago to celebrate. This birthday carries some significance - the first that Nathaniel can eat cake. I decided on a Very Hungry Caterpillar theme to commemorate and had a lot of fun making with the preparations, especially making the cake decorations out of fondant. Nathaniel blew out his candles and then signed "awesome." Yes, Nathaniel everything about this milestone is awesome. Happy Birthday!

Original Post: October 2014. Updated: October 2015, October 2016

I think a lot about how to help Nathaniel understand and engage with the world and how to help the world understand Nathaniel. In this light, Halloween has been troubling me.

How does a child who can not speak and does not eat participate in Halloween?

We could skip it. There are many Christian homeschool families who avoid the holiday all together. We did at one point in our child rearing. In recent years Halloween has provided an excuse to spend time with our friends, Dan and Kelly and their seven children. October 31, 2013, Nathaniel's first Halloween, was a cold and rainy week night. After enjoying soup with our friends, we brought him home and missed the door to door part of the evening.  In 2014, we celebrated Halloween with Nathaniel's foster family. We visited a few homes and went home early again.

Three years ago this morning we met Nathaniel.

He was hospitalized the last week in June for a virus, and one of his physicians came by for a visit. It was primarily a social call. During our conversation we reflected on how little we knew about Nathaniel three years ago. I remember vividly meeting her for the first time in July, 2013. I remember how patiently she explained the airway surgery Nathaniel would need. Though the medical team knew his airway was complex, they anticipated reconstruction. Surgery would be the summer after he turned three - this summer. They anticipated a week in the hospital. They had good reason to hope that he would live tracheostomy free and gain vocalization. Three years ago today we started down a journey of medical complexity that we thought was temporary. Everyone thought it was temporary.

I was driving home from grocery store the other night and started to sob. A chest heaving, can not catch your breath sort of sob. Nothing had happened that day or during the shopping trip that warranted tears. As I was leaving the store, Rich and I had exchanged texts. He and Peter were finishing up changing Nathaniel's tracheostomy ties and he was putting Nathaniel to bed. "Will you be home to say goodnight?" The last text from Rich that I read before the convulsive gasps gripped my torso like fingers grip a steering wheel when driving in a torrential rain.

Four years ago this month, I wrote a three part blog series on the cost of homeschooling. It makes sense that I wrote that series in January. January is when I start to think about the next school year.

For almost two decades now, we've deposited that spring (IRS) check in a special savings account earmarked for school costs.  Some years we haven't needed all of it, some years we have. Many years, the doldrums of winter were chased away by browsing curriculum catalogs, comparing programs, making wish lists, and dreaming of next year's fun.  The Cost of Homeschooling, Part 1

A friend sent me this photo on Christmas Eve. "Baby Jesus has a trach this year," her text said.

Doll baby Jesus' mother is six-year old Maggie. Maggie's mother is a medic who spends her days training first responders in tracheostomy emergencies.  Maggie's grandmother is a Sunday School director. Maggie's grandfather had a trach. Blend it all together and it is logical that when a baby was needed for the Family Service nativity at church that Maggie's trached baby doll was cast for the leading role.

The baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in the feeding trough had a tracheostomy.

Yesterday I visited my own blog to find a link for someone and realized it has been two weeks since I posted last. It takes our family at least a week to recuperate after one of Nathaniel's hospitalizations. Thanksgiving, recuperating, and now preparing for Christmas have all tumbled into each other and filled the empty crevices in each day.

Rich took off a couple hours early one Friday evening so we could go cut down our Christmas tree. With two of our older boys working retail, finding times for this traditional family outing was tricky. We can't remember the year we started going to this tree lot, but we think it has been around twenty-years. It is one of my favorite Christmas moments.